I was thinking about Pac-12 football and stumbled upon an ugly, ugly realization. I know the Pac is a generally progressive conference, but consider our coaches:
Notice anything? Anything... peculiar?
That's right - almost all of them have four-letter names! Want a job coaching UCLA, Brian Kelly? Sorry, five-letterers need not apply. Al Golden? Of course he went to Miami! It's not like the Pac was going to hire a guy with only two letters in his name! This name-discrimination is repugnant.
Now some of you might be shouting, "But that's ridiculous! What about David Shaw? What about Steve Sarkisian, Jon Embree, and Dennis Erickson?" Yes yes, let's just bury our heads in the sand by propping up the exceptions to the rule. Thing is, these aren't even exceptions!
David Shaw? Hmm, what's a common nickname for David? Hmm... "Dave" has four letters, last time I checked. And his last name has four letters, as well! Hardly a model of letter-count diversity here, people.
Steve Sarkisian? Remember those shirts the UW students made up for their first home game with him as coach? "I bark for Sark." That's right, "SARK." Apparently, not even the students can embrace a head coach with a nine-letter last name, and they have to make up a four-letter nickname to make everything feel right. Shameful.
Jon Embree? Come on, we all know the Buffalo powers that be thought this guy's name was spelled "John" when they were discussing him. But even now that they've had time to realize their oversight, it's too late to let the Buffalo out of the barn.
Dennis Erickson? There you have it. Our token 6-letter namer. Well, we have one of them, so I guess everything is all good now, right? Please.
While I'm on it, a special mention for "Chip" Kelly: Chip? Really? His name is Charles, but he didn't choose "Chuck" or "Charlie" or "Sir Chippingston the Visored"? Of course not. Being the shrewd man that he is, he knew that if he wanted to climb the ladder in the Pac, he'd better four-letter his name before coming out west. It's sad... People changing their names to avoid the discrimination...
Stop the madness, Pac! This is unconscionable!