UCLA Football Coaching Candidate: Jon Gruden

Chris Petersen is not interested. Jim Mora Jr. is talking to himself and should be confined to his quarters. So who's next in line for the UCLA coaching job?

THIS GUY.*

WHY AM I QUALIFIED TO LEAD THE UCLA FOOTBALL PROGRAM? VISION. VISION IS ALL I GOTTA SAY. I CAN SEE GREAT. I CAN PEER RIGHT PAST THAT HAZY LA SKYLINE AND CUT RIGHT THROUGH THE SMOG THAT SURROUNDS UCLA FOOTBALL. CHECK OUT THIS IMPERVIOUS GAZE WITH THESE BABY BLUES.

THE EYES MATCH THE COLORS OF WESTWOOD. THAT'S THE TYPE OF METAPHORS THAT THESE GUYS NEED TO FEEL INSPIRED AS THEY TAKE THE FIELD.

THESE GUYS HERE GOT ALL THE TALENT BUT GOT NONE OF THE HEART, NOT EVEN THE INTESTINES. I COULD TAKE A SCALPEL RIGHT TO JUSTIN EDISON'S PECTORALS AND YOU COULD PROBABLY FIT A FISTFUL OF CHANGE RIGHT INSIDE THERE. YOU GOTTA HAVE SOMEONE WHO PUMPS BLOOD. NOT TOO FAST THOUGH, THAT SYSTOLIC AND DIASTOLIC HAVE TO STAY RIGHT IN PLACE IF THEY REALLY WANT TO BE WHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE ALL ABOUT.

ONE THING WE'VE GOTTA IMPROVE IS THIS MONOPOLY HERE IN LA. I WAS ALWAYS A MONOPOLY MAN BECAUSE OF THE CHANCE CARD, AND IN FOOTBALL YOU GOTTA TAKE CHANCES. I'D HAVE THROWN TO THAT TIGHT END UCLA HAS WITH NO HANDS TO PROVE THAT HE BELONGS AND HE'S PART OF A TEAM. CHECKMATE, THIS GUY.

AND JOHN WOODEN. WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT THIS GUY WITH THE SPECTACLES RIGHT HERE YOU THINK OF ALL THE CHAMPIONSHIPS AND THE BANNERS. YOU WANT TO BRING THAT TO UCLA BECAUSE THESE GUYS WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING. I'D START BY BRINGING IN TROY AIKMAN BECAUSE HE'S A WINNER AND WINNERS BRING CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND HE ALSO HAS THOSE GREAT BABY BLUES WHICH FORESHADOW VICTORIES OF ALL SORTS. SEE HOW I'M DROPPING LITERARY DEVICES IN THERE, PRESIDENT BLOCK ...?

BLOCK. SOLID NAME. I LIKE BLOCK. THAT'S A FOOTBALL-SOUNDING NAME. SAY, YOU THINK YOU CAN STRAP ON SOME PADS THERE AND GIVE ME SOME SUICIDES? LET'S GET THIS BABY GOING. YOU CAN'T SPELL WINNING WITHOUT THE 'IN' IN BRUINS!

(*Unclear if UCLA is actually targeting Jon Gruden. If they aren't, then consider this post a dream sequence.)

(HT EDSBS for photo.)