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Applying to be a PAC-12 referee

And who said finding a job after college is difficult?

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Every family gathering, a relative asks me, "So Ryan, what are your plans for after college?" and every time I just mutter out something along the lines of a 9-5 desk job, while really I just picture myself 5 years down the road shirtless in my studio apartment, eating Cheetos and playing Playstation. I'm sorry for the mental image. Add in an Husky puppy if it that helps any.

But late last night browsing Twitter, I found my true calling. Ladies and gentlemen, you are reading the words of the newest PAC-12 football official... well, probably. I mean, I met their "key competencies" so well it made the entire application process itself largely a formality. I'm a shoe in at this point. But don't take my word for it, give it a once over yourself.

Reliable, able to commit to evenings, weekday, weekend work

Reliable? Could a man who models his life after Kevin Faulk be anything, but reliable? In reference to availability, I'm free every night, except for Saturday. That's when my Karate II class meets and Sensei will be irate if I'm not there.
Prior experience in a similar capacity expected
In elementary school, I wasn't good enough to play with the big kids, so they made me referee. That counts, right? Because other than some questionable PI calls, I was rock solid.
Be physically fit in a condition to successfully perform the services required on a continuing basis
I'm so physically fit that I haven't eaten gluten since age 10. I'm a well oiled bread-less machine.
Understanding of college sports
We don't let players profit off their work and the SEC is and always will be the best conference in college football. This isn't rocket science.
Must have exceptional positive attitude and team base philosophy
My spirit animal is Chris Traeger. That's pretty self explanatory.
Must have exceptional oral/written communication and interpersonal skills
Full disclosure: I did have to go to speech therapy in elementary school, because saying "Wyan" is only adorable for so long.
All candidates pass a background check
I witnessed your former employees butcher key conference games and didn't report it to the proper authorities. I'm so ashamed.

For anyone else interested in a new career, click here for the complete listing and application. Don't worry about me; I'm not scared of a little competition.