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Pac-12 football opening weekend recap in Archer quotes

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This is how we get ants.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Utah 56, Idaho State 14


Nate Orchard: Hey, Justin [Arias]! [pulls out switchblade] Gettin' an offensive line?
{late}
Orchard: Hey, Justin! [pulls out a switchblade] Gettin' a running lane?

Colorado State 31, Colorado 17

Sefo Liufau: So do something!
Mike MacIntyre: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Sefo. I'm making the adjustments, see. I'm coaching the game.
Liufau: I could coach better than that.
MacIntyre: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Liufau: Oh no you are not. You are totally not...
MacIntyre: I totally am.

Rutgers 41, Washington State 38

Connor Halliday: Coach, call Kenny Loggins... ‘cuz you're in the Danger Zone.

Arizona State 45, Weber State 14


Taylor Kelly: Holy shit, this security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.
[Surveys Weber State defensive playbook on iPad, prompting him for a password]
Kelly: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".
[It works]
Kelly: No way! It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just...babytown frolics.

Arizona 52, UNLV 13

Rich Rodriguez: If I find one single touchdown when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.
Jeff Casteel: Very good, sir
Rodriguez: I also need you to go buy sand.
Casteel: Yes, sir.
Rodriguez: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

UCLA 28, Virginia 20

Dan Guerrero: UCLA isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island.
Jim Mora: That's not... a real place.
Guerrero: I have fifty coaches who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations, your position will be vacant! Jim!
Mora: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Guerrero: Have I made myself clear?!
Mora: You're looking for the answer "yes"?
Guerrero: Yes.
Mora: Then yes.

Cal 31, Northwestern 24


Luke Rubenzer: When would you use an underwear gun?
Jared Goff: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced sorority girl you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?
Rubenzer: I don't know.
Goff: Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?
Rubenzer: Ah. How should I know?
Goff: Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember.

USC 52, Fresno State 13


JuJu Smith: Will I get to learn the West Coast offense?
Nelson Agholor: The West Coast offense? The Dane Cook of college football? No. USC Trojans use UP-TEMPO West Coast offense.

Stanford 35, UC Davis 0

David Shaw: Oh my God, you killed a hooker!
Ty Montgomery: Coach? It was UC Davis!
David Shaw: No, Ty, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

Oregon State 29, Portland State 14


[Mike Riley hammering playbook into a shredder using a stapler]
Sean Mannion: Coach, what are you doing?
Mike Riley: Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of athletic department skimps on a freaking shredder?

Washington 17, Hawaii 16


Kevin Clune, Hawaii defensive coordinator
[holding Jeff Lindquist at gunpoint]: Picture him, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without your quarterback.
John Ross [held at gunpoint by Chris Petersen]: JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!
Clune [pushes Linquist away]: What is wrong with you people?
Chris Petersen [runs out the clock]: Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand- [Lindquist hits Petersen with his headset] What's in there, buckles?
Lindquist: AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?
Petersen: Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait..

Oregon 62, South Dakota 13


Mark Helfrich:
Jesus, Marcus. Do you think this is a game?
Marcus Mariota: No, I think Jenga's a game.