Bevo the Longhorn has quite the iPad. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
It's a late night, and the Longhorns are ready to retire to bed. But it's realignment week, and the calls keep on coming.
[The phone rings. Paul Wall's Break Em Off emanates from the phone. Texas picks up, starts manicuring its horns.]
Oklahoma: You dirty dog.
Texas: It's steer, Okie.
Oklahoma: They do both have a tendency to wade in their own shit.
Texas: How about "Hello, Texas. How are you doing?"
Oklahoma: Shut up. I've had enough of your tricks.
Texas: I don't know what you're talking about.
Oklahoma: Knowledge isn't a big part of your day job, is it?
Texas: I see you've been talking to A&M lately?
Oklahoma: Yeah, and we're done with your little games. We know you've been looking out for only you. We're not going to be letting you whip us around out.
Texas: Really now. Think you can quit me that easy?
Oklahoma: Easy as a Garrett Gilbert interception. Me and State are done. We've got other people to see.
Texas: What about Dallas?
Oklahoma: [imitates mockingly] What about Dallas?
Texas: We've still got our little date.
Oklahoma: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. We'll see you then.
Texas: Ta-ta sweetie.
[Texas hangs up. Almost immediately, Sittin Sidewayz blares from the phone].
Texas: [picks up, grazes some grass] What's up there dear?
Baylor: [stutters] You, you, you, you, you....
Texas: Listen, listen, I swear this time it'll be different. I know we've had our differences in the past, but this time I feel like we can make this right.You
Baylor: You're ... you're making me look like the bad guy!
Texas: Just be calm baby. Everything's gonna be alright. You just follow Mama Texas here and everything'll be ok. Keep on fighting for what you got. We won't leave you.
Baylor: You'll never leave me?
Texas: No honey. Just make sure you keep me happy and I'll keep you happy. You know what I'm saying to y'all?
Baylor: Ok, ok...I feel better. Just glad to know you're on my side.
Texas: Always. Go rest now, ok hun? Sleep tight
Baylor: I...I will. I hope you love me the way I love you.
[hangs up. Texas snorts and grazes. Bizzy Body starts blaring from the cell phone; Texas glances at the caller, grimaces at the area code, then picks up.]
Texas: What do you want.
Texas A&M: Hahahaa you little whore! You're a filthy little whore.
Texas: Always filled with your usual subtlety, eh, Agg? Hope you're happy now that you're on your own.
Texas A&M: Keep up with your whoretalk, whore. You can whore your whoreself to anyone you want now. Free of your whorish ways.
Texas: Yes, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself with your two scores a year down in those Southern waters. You should have known better than to leave us.
Texas A&M: Whore-gobbler. Whore-mongerer. Whore-iscan. Whore of a whore.
Texas: Just keep on talking, I'm listening.
Texas A&M: Whore whore whore whore...
Later that night...
Texas: [texting] Hi, Pac-12? Look, I'm really sorry about what happened last summer. I know you don't want to return my calls after what happened, but I really think we should talk. I think we have a lot to offer. We could be real good for each other. Let's think about it.
Just please, please let me keep my network? Also, could you slip me a little something under the table? I'll make sure that our joining will be one night to remember.
[After Texas sends out the text, the phone rings. It's Iowa State. Texas puts on ignore.]
[Some time later, the Steamboat Willie theme stirs up. The face of Texas goes blank and emotionless as they pick up.]
Texas: Hi boss.
Unknown voice: Oh boy! Is my girl ready to make some big money today, huh-huh?
Texas: Yes boss.
Unknown voice: Let's get to work! Ready to make your calls, huh-huh?
Texas: Yes boss.
Unknown voice: The Big East and the ACC seem like the best possible move, huh-huh. Let's make some calls out East there?
Texas: But they're awful...
Unknown voice: So you want less money now, huh-huh? Should I take away your own personal Disney Channel? Who's in charge here, huh-huh?
Texas: [hangs head] You are boss.
Unknown voice: [opens law book] Good, huh-huh. Now, time for you to give Baylor some tortious interference, HUH-HUH!