Pac-12 Conference Expansion: Texas Is One Busy Call Girl

It's a late night, and the Longhorns are ready to retire to bed. But it's realignment week, and the calls keep on coming.

[The phone rings. Paul Wall's Break Em Off emanates from the phone. Texas picks up, starts manicuring its horns.]

Texas: Hello.

Oklahoma: You dirty dog.

Texas: It's steer, Okie.

Oklahoma: They do both have a tendency to wade in their own shit.

Texas: How about "Hello, Texas. How are you doing?"

Oklahoma: Shut up. I've had enough of your tricks.

Texas: I don't know what you're talking about.

Oklahoma: Knowledge isn't a big part of your day job, is it?

Texas: I see you've been talking to A&M lately?

Oklahoma: Yeah, and we're done with your little games. We know you've been looking out for only you. We're not going to be letting you whip us around out.

Texas: Really now. Think you can quit me that easy?

Oklahoma: Easy as a Garrett Gilbert interception. Me and State are done. We've got other people to see.

Texas: What about Dallas?

Oklahoma: [imitates mockingly] What about Dallas?

Texas: We've still got our little date.

Oklahoma: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. We'll see you then.

Texas: Ta-ta sweetie.

Oklahoma: Hrrrrnngh.

[Texas hangs up. Almost immediately, Sittin Sidewayz blares from the phone].

Texas: [picks up, grazes some grass] What's up there dear?

Baylor: [stutters] You, you, you, you, you....

Texas:  Listen, listen, I swear this time it'll be different. I know we've had our differences in the past, but this time I feel like we can make this right.You

Baylor: You're ... you're making me look like the bad guy!

Texas: Just be calm baby. Everything's gonna be alright. You just follow Mama Texas here and everything'll be ok. Keep on fighting for what you got. We won't leave you.

Baylor: You'll never leave me?

Texas: No honey. Just make sure you keep me happy and I'll keep you happy. You know what I'm saying to y'all?

Baylor: Ok, ok...I feel better. Just glad to know you're on my side.

Texas: Always. Go rest now, ok hun? Sleep tight

Baylor: I...I will. I hope you love me the way I love you.

[hangs up. Texas snorts and grazes. Bizzy Body starts blaring from the cell phone; Texas glances at the caller, grimaces at the area code, then picks up.]

Texas: What do you want.

Texas A&M: Hahahaa you little whore! You're a filthy little whore.

Texas: Always filled with your usual subtlety, eh, Agg? Hope you're happy now that you're on your own.

Texas A&M: Keep up with your whoretalk, whore. You can whore your whoreself to anyone you want now. Free of your whorish ways.

Texas: Yes, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself with your two scores a year down in those Southern waters. You should have known better than to leave us. 

Texas A&M: Whore-gobbler. Whore-mongerer. Whore-iscan. Whore of a whore.

Texas: Just keep on talking, I'm listening.

Texas A&M: Whore whore whore whore...

[click]

Later that night...

Texas: [texting] Hi, Pac-12? Look, I'm really sorry about what happened last summer. I know you don't want to return my calls after what happened, but I really think we should talk. I think we have a lot to offer. We could be real good for each other. Let's think about it.

Just please, please let me keep my network? Also, could you slip me a little something under the table? I'll make sure that our joining will be one night to remember.

[After Texas sends out the text, the phone rings. It's Iowa State. Texas puts on ignore.]

[Some time later, the Steamboat Willie theme stirs up. The face of Texas goes blank and emotionless as they pick up.]

Texas: Hi boss.

Unknown voice: Oh boy! Is my girl ready to make some big money today, huh-huh?

Texas: Yes boss.

Unknown voice: Let's get to work! Ready to make your calls, huh-huh?

Texas: Yes boss.

Unknown voice: The Big East and the ACC seem like the best possible move, huh-huh. Let's make some calls out East there?

Texas: But they're awful...

Unknown voice: So you want less money now, huh-huh? Should I take away your own personal Disney Channel? Who's in charge here, huh-huh?

Texas: [hangs head] You are boss.

Unknown voice: [opens law book] Good, huh-huh. Now, time for you to give Baylor some tortious interference, HUH-HUH!

End scene.