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Pac-12 Picks, Week 1: RoboDuck is dead. Long live RoboDuck.

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Plus, UCLA's TERRIBLE uniforms, and more slightly informative Pac-12 news.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

We did it! We survived another painful off season! Well, everyone except for a certain secondary mascot (see below).

Game Picks

Last week: N/A
2014 Season: 51-45-2
Home team in CAPS.

Thursday, September 3rd, 5:30 PDT
Michigan (+5.5) over UTAH

Does this make any sense? "Hey Harbaugh, remember that shitty quarterback you had that you were still successful with before you found a slightly less shitty quarterback on your bench? He went here." Welcome to Utah, indeed.

7:00 PM PDT
University of Texas at San Antonio (+31.5) over #22 ARIZONA

Uhh, do you guys even want to play football?

11:00 PM PDT
HAWAII (+7.5) over Colorado

Friday, September 4th, 5:00 PM PDT
OREGON STATE (-28) over Weber State

Dave Baldwin, OSU's offensive coordinator, drinks 16-18 Diet Cokes PER DAY. He's awesome.

7:15 PM PDT
Washington (+11.5) over #23 BOISE STATE

Boise State students had difficulty purchasing tickets for Chris Petersen's return to "the Blue" because of a website crash. The most surprising thing about this story is that Boise has internet.

Saturday, September 5th, 9:00 AM PDT
NORTHWESTERN (+12) over #21 Stanford

11:00 AM PDT
Portland State (+28) over WASHINGTON STATE

12:30 PM PDT
#13 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES (-17) over Virginia

These have to be the worst uniforms in all of College Football, right? Well, these and Louisville's demon Cardinal helmet.

Bye, Clarendon font. :(

2:00 PM PDT
CALIFORNIA (-43.5) over Grambling State

4:00 PM PDT
#15 Arizona State (+3) over Texas A&M (NRG Stadium, Houston)

Do you think Bo Graham got the Illinois job?

5:00 PM PDT
#7 OREGON (-35) over Eastern Washington

RoboDuck, the slightly erotic and spandex-wearing mascot cousin of Puddles the Duck, confirmed in a tweet earlier this week that he has officially retired. You flew too close to the Sun, RoboDuck, and we will never forget you.

Here is RoboDuck's introduction in all of its glory and splendor.

8:00 PM PDT
#8 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA (-29) over Arkansas State

0-10 if you count his junior year at BYU when the Cougars lost 21-29 to ASU.

Hot Take of the Week

Steve Sarkisian publicly apologized for making inappropriate statements and appearing drunk at the Salute to Troy (a USC booster event) last week, and even said he would seek treatment.  Was this good enough for most people? Yes. Was this good enough for Bill Plaschke of the LA Times? Of course not.

Plaschke writes:

He seemed as unsteady as Saturday night. Yet in the light of a Tuesday morning, it was even more unsettling. This time, Steve Sarkisian didn't appear impaired, he seemed confused.

Probably confused as to why this became a huge media circus.

This time, instead of slurring his words, he was slurring his reasoning.

He was drunk in his mind!

What came out of Tuesday's 10-minute news conference was the portrait of a painfully tormented man...

The fuck?

It was, in fact, Kessler who appeared and sounded like the team's head coach, offering the strong and confident statement that comes from a secure leader.

Yes, starting quarterback Cody Kessler should be promoted to Head Coach.

If [USC President C.L. Max] Nikias was watching or listening to the news conference, how could he possibly believe that Sarkisian can be ready for Arkansas State?

I'm pretty sure I'm ready to coach USC against Arkansas State.

This whole story is hilarious and Steve Sarkisian deserves to be made fun of. But he doesn't deserve to be psychoanalyzed from one interview with reporters.

Pac-12 Power Rankings

10. UCLA

9. RoboDuck (Ret.)

8. Steve Sarkisian's liver

7. Stanford

6. Jared Goff

5. Arizona State

4. People who get mad when Southern California is referred to as "Southern Cal"

3. Southern California

2. Manchester City F.C.

1. Oregon

80s Song of the Week

Bye, everybody!