Pac-12 football schedule, described in Simpsons quotes

Thursday, August 28

Idaho State at Utah

Coach Whittingham: I'm taking a shortcut.

Travis Wilson: Coach, no! You're gonna lose this one!

Coach Whittingham: Trust me Travis! With today's modern offenses you can't lose! What with all the fancy placards with funny images on them!

{after Travis Wilson throws three interceptions on deep balls}

Coach Whittingham: Alright, we're only down 3. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Weber State at Arizona State

Your first child: "How's the game going?"

Your second child: ""You hate dad" is up by six touchdowns."

Rutgers at Washington State (Seattle)

"This ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself."

Friday, August 29

Colorado State vs. Colorado (Denver)

Mike MacIntyre: By the way, Sefo, what's your least favorite team, Colorado State or Nebraska?

Sefo: Nebraska.

MacIntyre: [laughs] Nobody ever says Colorado State.

UNLV at Arizona

Rich Rodriguez: Hello Bobby? This is Rich-Rod. Remember last year when I beat you by 45 points? Yeah, well now I need you to do a favor for me!

Saturday, August 30

UCLA at Virginia

Mike London: "I thought you said they were overweight." {points at UCLA defensive line destroying everything in sight.}

Jim Mora: "Mike, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Cal at Northwestern

"Hi, I'm Coach Pat Fitzgerald, you might remember me from such Do-It-Yourself home videos such as "The half-assed approach to foundation repair."

Portland State at Oregon State

"Girls love Bieber."

"Hipsters love Miley."

"Everyone else loves Mike Riley!"

UC Davis at Stanford

James Vaughters: "You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of entertainment: public access television."

Fresno State at USC

Steve Sarkisian: "Hello, I'm the Fresno State head coach. I believe you have a playbook package for me."

Post office clerk: "Okay sir. What's your first name?"

Sarkisian: "I don't know."

Washington at Hawaii

Norm Chow: "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it --Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

South Dakota at Oregon

John Canzano: "But but... this was a contest for children!"

Phil Knight: "Yeah, and Marcus beat their brains out!"

Thursday, September 4

Arizona at UTSA

Austin Hill: "Is there anything you can prescribe, Coach?"

Rich Rodriguez: "Fire! And lots of it!"

Hill: "Hmm, that's your cure for everything!"

Friday, September 5

Washington State at Nevada

Joe Salave'a: "In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?"

Xavier Cooper: "No, Nevada makes my butt look big."

Saturday, September 6

Fresno State at Utah

{After being sacked for the fourth play in a row}

Unnamed Fresno QB: "You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

Jacoby Hale: "I don't think any of us expected him to say that."

Sacramento State at California

Bryce Treggs (over crucial controversial call): "We've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?"

Pac-12 ref: "Well, Coach. We've plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence."

Eastern Washington at Washington State

Beau Baldwin: "That board with a nail in it may have defeated us, but the Cougars won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!"

USC at Stanford

Both fanbases: "Look, I knew private school would be expensive, but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort."

Both coaches: "Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group."

Michigan State at Oregon

Arizona State at New Mexico

Todd Graham: "Taylor, will you please help me make a big deal of this."

Memphis at UCLA

Jim Mora: "Whatever you do Myles, we'll be proud of you."

Myles Jack: "Thanks coach."

Mora: "As long as it's constitutional."

Colorado at Massachusetts

{Neutral fans in a bar}

Pac-12 fan: "Go Buffs!"

New Englander: "Go Minutemen!"

Everyone else: "Go Banana!"

Oregon State at Hawaii

{3-0, midway 3rd quarter}: "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."

Week 3

Saturday, September 13

Wyoming at Oregon

Ifo Ekpre-Olomu: "Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary."

Illinois at Washington

Chris Petersen: "Kids can be so cruel."

Shaq Thompson: "We can? Thanks Coach."

Army at Stanford

{Opening chants.}

"Who holds back the electric car

Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star

We do! We do!"

Portland State at Washington State

Mike Leach's halftime speech: "Well, crying isn't gonna win this game..unless your tears smell like first downs. So you can either sit there, crying, and eating can after can of first downs until your tears smell enough like touchdowns to take the lead, or you can go out there and win the game."

USC at Boston College

Josh Shaw: Look, I'll level with you. There is no nephew. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody.

Pat Haden: Well you sure fooled us, kid.

Larry Scott: Hey, I've got an idea for a prank. You can go home and go to sleep!

UCLA vs. Texas (Dallas)

"What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day."

"I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching a big football game!"

"Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today."

Arizona State at Colorado

{After falling behind by 56 points at halftime}

Mike MacIntyre: "Todd. You are the worst human being I have ever met."

Todd Graham: "Hey, I got off pretty easy."

Nevada at Arizona

Rich Rodriguez {gives halftime speech}: "Anu want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask????"

Saturday, September 20

Utah at Michigan

Brady Hoke: "This is America. Anyone can eat what they want as long as they eat too much.

Hawaii at Colorado

"Ralphie Run!"

San Diego State at Oregon State

{Beavers down 14 early in a torrential downpour}

Sean Mannion: "I hate these flood pants.  HEY! they work!! My feet are soaked but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's coming up Mannion!"

Cal at Arizona

Night game in Tucson: "This is great. Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know."

Georgia State at Washington

"This is horrible!"

"The FOX Network has sunk to a new low."

Oregon at Washington State

Connor Halliday {throws pick #4}: "I know, I'll just do like Coach and escape into fantasy. {it doesn't work} Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination! Just like you've ruined my ability to, ah..."

Thursday, Sept. 25

UCLA at Arizona State

Jim Mora: "My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad."

Saturday, September 27

Colorado at California

{game ends tied somehow}

Colorado wife: "Oh, I"ve never been so proud of them."

Cal husband: [weeping] "They're both losers. Losers!"

Washington State at Utah

Connor Halliday: "The lesson here is that self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities.

Travis Wilson: "No! Self improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix. It's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery."

Connor Halliday: "That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are."

Oregon State at USC

Steve Sarkisian: "Rilllllley..... Rillllleyyy..."

Mike Riley: "What?"

Sarkisian: "Game's out there, ha ha ha made ya look!"

Stanford at Washington

Kevin Hogan: I like this QB way better than your old QB.

Marcus Peters: You didn't like Keith?

Hogan: No. Remember that time he ate my Goldfish, and then you tried to tell me I didn't have any Goldfish? But why would I have the bag Marcus? WHY WOULD I HAVE THE BAG?

Thursday, October 2

Arizona at Oregon

"Door?"

"Locked!"

"Phone?"

"Unplugged!"

"Dog? Cat?"

"Taped and corked."

"Perfect."

Saturday, October 4

Oregon State at Colorado

Mike Riley: "You know, it's very easy to criticize."

John Canzano: "Fun, too."

Cal at Washington State

Mike Leach: Uh, hi, Sonny. What can I do for you?

Sonny Dykes: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Leach: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Kyle, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.

Dykes: Uh-huh.

Leach: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

Dykes: Mm-Hmm.

Leach: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.

Dykes: Oh, the hammock district!

Leach: That's right.

Arizona State at USC

Young Cody Kessler: "We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?"

Dad: "Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls."

Utah at UCLA

Dres Anderson: Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.

Anthony Jefferson: That's specious reasoning, Dres.

Anderson: Thank you, Anthony.

Jefferson: What if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away Anthony Barr?

Anderson: Uh-huh, and how does it work?

Jefferson: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.

Anderson: I see.

Jefferson: But you don't see Barr around, do you?

Anderson: Tony, I'd like to buy your rock.

Stanford at Notre Dame

Everett Golson: "I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids! TRIP!!! Awwwww....I bent my wookie."

Friday, October 10

Washington State at Stanford

"But nerds are my mortal enemy!"

"Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact they've done some pretty memorable things. Some Stanford nerds of note include Google founder Sergey Brin, author Tobias Wolff, and Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor!"

"Not O'Connor! Oh no!"

Saturday, October 11

Washington at Cal

Cal fan: "Like my mother always said, "You've got to stick it out, even if you've picked a loser..."

{Cal punt gets kicked backwards, Hau'oli Kikaha takes it to the house}

Cal fan: "To the bitter end."

USC at Arizona

"Hi, I'm Justin Wilcox. You might remember me from such films as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys, the Groovy Mule."

Oregon at UCLA

Brett Hundley: Have you ever run into problems because of your superior ability?

Marcus Mariota: Mm, sure I guess.

Brett Hundley: Me too! [embraces]

Thursday, October 16

Utah at Oregon State

Mike Riley: "This is an Oregon State Beavers cap. When you wear it, you're wearing Oregon State. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Oregon State.When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Oregon State."

Dylan Wynn: "Coach, when you give that lecture, you're boring Oregon State."

Saturday, October 18

Colorado at USC

Sefo Liufau: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Mike MacIntyre: Really? Will we win today's game? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Liufau: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

J.R. Tavai: That ball knows everything. [takes down Sefo from the blindside.]

Stanford at Arizona State

David Shaw: Todd! There's someone here who can help you...

Todd Graham: Is it Batman?

Shaw: No, he's a scientist.

Graham: Batman's a scientist?!

Shaw: It's not Batman!"

UCLA at California

Jared Goff: "Oh well of course everything looks bad if you remember it..."

Washington at Oregon

Chris Petersen: "If it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Oregon was dead."

Friday, October 24

Oregon vs. Cal (Santa Clara)

Sonny Dykes: You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Saturday, October 25

Arizona at Washington State

Rich Rodriguez: "You don't win friends with defense."

Mike Leach: "You don't win friends with defense."

Rich Rodriguez: "You don't win friends with defense."

Mike Leach: "You don't win friends with defense."

Arizona State at Washington

Danny Shelton: Hey D.J.! Your epidermis is showing.

D.J. Foster: It is? (looks around, stumbles, fumbles)

Shelton: See, epidermis means your hair. So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. HA-HA!

Jaelen Strong: Hey Danny, I think he's really hurt.

Shelton: I said HA-HA!

USC at Utah

{Travis Wilson hiding in fetal position}

Leonard Williams: "He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him several times."

Oregon State at Stanford

Michael Doctor: "Why do you have so many bowling balls?" {points at distant Stanford offensive linemen}

Kelsey Young: "Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael. So long!" {leaves}

UCLA at Colorado

{Colorado offense staring at UCLA depth chart}: "If you don't like your job, you don't go on strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way."

Saturday, November 1

Cal at Oregon State

Beaver fan #1: Oh look, there's that Sean Mannion guy. He's cool.

Beaver fan #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?

Beaver fan #1: [after a pause] I don't even know any more...

Washington at Colorado

Mike MacIntyre: "You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch em in the face, and for what?"

Utah at Arizona State

Whittingham {stares at Utah record, stares at Utah remaining schedule}: "I can't promise to try, but I'll try to try."

USC at Washington State

Graham Harrell: I want to see what's bothering Connor, but I'm afraid I'd be smothering him.

Mike Leach: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Harrell: That's not what I meant.

Leach: It was, Graham. Admit it.

Arizona at UCLA

Anu Solomon: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy.

Stanford at Oregon

David Shaw: "I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it."

Saturday, November 8

Colorado at Arizona

Rich Rodriguez {driving home}: "Rodriguez! Rich Rodriguez! He's the greatest guy in history. From the twon of town of Grant Town! He's about to hit a cactus tree."

Washington State at Oregon State

Mike Riley: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happened to see them, by any chance?

Gabe Marks: Sounds like Corvallis has got a discipline problem.

Vincent Mayle: Maybe that's why we beat them at football nearly half the time.

Notre Dame at Arizona State

Taylor Kelly: "That's where I saw the leprechaun, he tells me to burn things..."

Jaylon Smith: "Nice job, laddie! Now ya know what ya gotta do: burn the house down! BURN 'EM ALL! "

UCLA at Washington

Jim Mora: "Hey there, Chris. Oh, gee, I like what you've done with your hair!"

Chris Petersen: "You caught me at a real bad time, Jim. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you."

Oregon at Utah

Hroniss Grasu: Hey Orchard, where's your Losermobile?

Nate Orchard: Losermobile, heh heh heh ... wait a minute.

Thursday, November 13

Cal at USC

Hi I'm Coach Sonny Dykes. You might known me from such instructional videos as "Mothballing your Battleship"  and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save."

Saturday, November 15

Washington at Arizona

Chris Petersen: Time to get ready for the second half...good lord what is happening in your locker room?

Rich Rodriguez: Aurora borealis.

Petersen: Aurora borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your locker?

Rodriguez: Yes.

Petersen: May I see it?

Rodriguez: No.

Arizona State at Oregon State

Sean Mannion: "From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Keith Patterson way."

Victor Bolden: "Isn't that just the wrong way?"

Mannion: "Yeah, but faster!"

Utah at Stanford

Bubba Poole {seven rushing yards at halftime}: This is the worst day of my life.

James Vaughters {strips Poole immediately}: The worst day of your life so far.

Saturday, November 22

Arizona at Utah

Kyle Whittingham: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Travis Wilson: Hey, we got a reward. We won the game!

Graham: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Jason Whittingham: Wait a minute! If I hadn't gotten that fumble recovery by blasting their quarterback, we wouldn't have won!

K. Whittingham: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Dres Anderson: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Wilson: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Whittingham: But it certainly was a memorable day.

Wilson: Amen to that!

Oregon State at Washington

Pac-12 ref: "I'll be forced to review...the game-winning touchdown with no time lieft! Wow, even if I lose, I'm gonna be famous."

Washington State at Arizona State

At tailgates before the game: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.

Stanford at Cal

Pac-12 ref: "I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste - people are going to notice those trees are gone."

USC at UCLA

Steve Sarkisian: "What's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it."

Colorado at Oregon

Mike MacIntyre {gives pregame speech}: "Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed."

Friday, November 28

Stanford at UCLA

{Henry Anderson sacks Brett Hundley again}

Brett: Coach, Henry hit me!

Jim Mora {mulling NFL offers}: He sure did.

Arizona State at Arizona

Dick Tomey & Dennis Erickson {watching the game}: "I used to be with it, then they changed what it was. Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you too."

Saturday, November 29

Utah at Colorado

Mike MacIntyre: Kids are the best, Kyle. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.

BYU at California

Chris Harper: "You sir are a moron!"

Brad Kaaya: "A Mormon? But I'm from Earth!"

Washington at Washington State

"Sucking down the cider, huh? Word for the wise, seasons pass. Pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do! Here's a little trick to help you remember: If it's clear an yella, you got juice there fellah; if it's tangy and brown you're in cider town! Now, there are two exceptions that... "

Brain: "You can stay, but I'm leaving." {brain floats away to actual Apple Cup}

Notre Dame at USC

{Trojans up 35-0, Brian Kelly yelling at everyone}

Urban Meyer, taking an evening stroll: "What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?"

Oregon at Oregon State

Ducks and Beavers fans: "Oh my god! Your child against mine! The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore. "